hephaestion2014's blog

Not going into politics or anything like that but Manchester for me is the wrestling capital of the country. If I get on a train on the way to Manchester, I know I'm getting a match.

It's sort of like another home to me.

In the aftermath of an attack on it, with all that darkness and despairing of humanity - there's stories of kindness, compassion and empathy.

A hero isn't a guy who puts on Speedos and gets in the ring and destroys everyone. Not all heroes wear capes.

It's those in uniforms running towards a building that others run from, coming in on their day off to help. It's strangers offering others beds, chargers and of course, a cuppa.
It's taxi drivers and businesses offering services and help free of charge.

Manchester won't be beaten.

It may be knocked down temporarily, but like it's wrestlers, it won't lay down long.

It's up before you know it.

Manchester is strong.

I stand with Manchester as I remember all those who have lost their lives.

So I've been a bit AWOL/MIA of late. See my last blog. Needed some time away.

But am back now. A good friend invited me down to come and wrestle. Bit nervous at first but everything seemed settled at home, and he understood that if the phone went, I'd have to be on a train leaving for home as soon as possible. That didn't happen, and the occasional sneaky looks at my phone meant I could relax.

And relax I did. Well as much as you can in a headlock fighting against your limbs being bent at weird angles :)

I won't go into the match. Suffice to say, I'm not getting any better but I'm also not getting worse - and that to me is the important part.

I missed wrestling.

Now, I'm not pretending I'm one of those people who live and breathe wrestling. Who train day in and out, can do push up on their knuckles and bridge on the top of their head. My game is very amateur. It's a hobby.

But like most hobby, I enjoy the happiness it brings. The feeling of turning off your mind to everyday problems - Work, Corbyn, Existential angst - and just being in your body and not your mind. Being present in an actual moment. Connecting with a more aggressive side of yourself that civilisation encourages you to swallow.

I really recommend to anyone on this site who likes watching wrestling videos etc but hasn't given it a go to try and do it. It is nerve racking that first time, but if you're worried about safety and the like - try the more public meets at the UK wrestling spaces in high barnet, Walthamstow or even go to the wilds of civilisation and dare to brave the flatcaps and ferrets of the north and Manchester ; )

After wrestling, I ache, bruise and am sore. Mainly cos I'm unfit, stubborn and don't pace myself - but more importantly afterwards for a few seconds, minutes even longer - I get a peaceful easy feeling.

For a moment or two, the world is different. I'm different. I'm Hephaestion the wrestler not Hephaestion the no-one drudge.

Its nice. And as recent events have reminded me, you meet great people along the way. Always more good than bad..

Plus it's handy when a customer tries to start a fight with you, you're a bit more able to defend yourself :) The stance and even trying to emulate a couple of opponents deathstares can sometimes dissuade - but if not, I can even dodge punches now lol

So yeah, ignore the gripes and groans - wrestling is great. Go do it now, if you haven't already.

Be safe, have fun and bring it on.

I'm writing this as more to get how I feel out. It's probably a bit raw and a bit contradictory - and let's face it - self indulgent. But it's not the kind of things I can write or say to my friends or facebook.

So early hours of the morning, I'm watching the blue lights of the ambulance go into the distance. It's taking my dad away. He appears now to be stable but at the time ... we've been down this road with his health before and here we are again. I'm so worried, concerned and upset. But there's a different emotion there this time: guilt.

My greatest fear whenever I'm wrestling isn't that my body will turned up dumped in a wood somewhere. That used to be a legitimate fear. Now it's the missed calls, the voicemails and the texts that I've not seen because I've been too busy wrestling to notice them. I was at a great group meet on Sunday, but found myself having to go and check my phone to make sure I hadn't missed any messages. I hadn't - but I have missed things. I kinda feel instead of spending that Sunday away, I should've been home. I should've really. Maybe.

It's what made me decide to cut down on my wrestling. I am missing things. I'm worried if something happens I'm miles away - at least on average about a two hour train ride. Crippling guilt.

If I lived in London or Manchester - not so bad. Grab a match after work, and home like it's a school night. But I'm not doing that. I'm all over the place, having to overnight and the like. I dunno - at this precise moment that feels selfish of me. I dunno.

I know a fair few others on here have the responsibility towards others - be it elderly parents, ill partners, kids, and family. I have heard them say things about the juggle and the balance. The guilt too. I understand that now.

As I'm writing this, I'll be making my mum a cup of tea and try to persuade her to shut her eyes for a moment or two. She's been up longer than me. My turn to take the strain. She was doing that Sunday whilst I was out wrestling.

So that's my blog. It's not upbeat, funny or witty. They never are ;)

But its how I feel at the moment. I'm not sure I'm a good person. At this time I'm on a wrestling site blogging and sending reflexive trash talk messages in between.

There's a part of me that thinks I shouldn't cut down or cutback but cut out wrestling completely. But that's just how I'm feeling now and I have responsibilities to my opponents too. So I'm sticking around but I'm going to be quieter. Adjusting.

I'm not sure what road those blue lights were lighting up for me, my dad and mum just yet, and not sure where it is taking me.

Thanks for reading. I'll no doubt delete when I realise how non wrestling this is. Just had to vent.

Hope that my personal and specific events has some universal resonance.

Now, I was thinking of hanging up my Speedos for good a little while ago. Nothing to do with this site or the people on it - I'd have still stayed as have lots of good mates on here that I like chatting too as much as trying to make them tap.I'd have been less active. It felt like the thrill had gone. I hadn't worked it out of my system but after the matches and on the train home I was being to feel less happy.

Why's that? I hear no-one cry, Did you not enjoy yourself?

Well yes, I did. I had a great time but after a period of time on the site, and after the amount of opponents I have had, I began to think people might expect more from me. I'm not a newbie after all.

"So how many matches you won then? I beat so-and-so, they were easy, did you get them to tap?"

I've began to notice that competitiveness was being to creep into people's conversation with me. As if this site was a league, and people were trying to put me into it. Was I top of the league? Was I a Stoke - middle of the table just milling about? Was I a Sunderland - no-one sure what I was doing here in the top leagues? Or was I a Leicester - champion once but sliding down into oblivion?

I was beginning to feel a pressure that yes, I should be winning. I should be doing better. Not improving, but just better. Suddenly something that was me turning up and doing my best and having fun doing it was becoming something else.

I was back to being the school kid again dreading sports because as my then undiagnosed dyspraxia would mean I'd just be a disappointment. On the train back from wrestling matches, I could hear the patronising tones of my PE teacher saying, " well at least you tried and didn't trip over, so that's a success"

School days huh? They mess you up.

To mask the fact that I'm not brilliant and, unless I repeat a move a lot I forget it, not the biggest move repertoire I began to adopt the jobber role. Don't get me wrong, I love being in the position where I'm fighting to get control back, where my aggressive side can be released because I'm defending myself rather than going after someone. I.like reflecting my opponent's energy.

But I was finding the Jobber title wasn't a full fit for me.

"Yeah, but he's just a jobber right? He'll just lie there, that's no fun."

So there's all the pressure to fit into boxes and labels that didn't fit. I didn't want to be thought of as fun and friendly and the dreaded nice.
I wanted to be thought of as rough, tough, scary and a beast. I don't have the looks, the body or the skill to get people onto the mats with me, so let's try and tweak myself into something else. Let the pressure of what they want from you make you into a diamond.

Pressure doesn't do that to me. Recently met a guy I have always wanted to wrestle. Man, I wanted to impress him. I sucked. I choked. I forgot how to do a headlock and went back to the early days when I used to wrestle with my eyes shut so I could think ... but moving on.

I was trying to be someone I wasn't. Well not in whole. There's a heel to me, there's a jobber to me, there's a Hulk-smash inside me, there's a thug and there's a wrestling dummy too. I'm all those in one, but there's a pressure to cut off parts of me. To adapt to so much to what my opponent wanted, I was forgetting me too.

I was talking to one opponent after a match asking him if he had fun.
He stopped and said yes he did ... but did I?

We had a good chat and I explained how I felt about all the "nice" and no-one wants to fight the nice guy. He put me right, pointed out that at heart I'm doing this for fun. I'm not naturally competitive but I offer competition. I'm a challenge and genuinely fun to wrestle.

By adapting to others expectations I was putting a pressure on myself that I couldn't really thrive under.

I'm friendly, I'm tough, I'm nice, I'm gobby, I'm occasionally an arse, I'm playful, I'm serious, I'm a bookworm, I hold back too much sometimes, Im a geek, im shy, I often forget about protecting an arm, I'm a jobber, I'm a heel, I contain multitudes

But I'm all me.

I will adapt but I'm doing this for fun (fun doesn't have to mean erotic) I will learn as I go, I will make mistakes but I'll never give a damn about win/loss, or the amount of opponents but more about how many guys want that rematch and round two or three.

Forget that pressure pushing down on me

[Bridge: Freddie Mercury]
Um ba ba be
Um ba ba be
De day da
Ee day da -
I'm okay :)

So the year is drawing to a close, and certainly having had my last match of the year - my wrestling year has ended.

Not just in world events but in my wrestling, it's been an odd year. It has had a few highs and lows.

Every match and every opponent has been great. I've managed to finally wrestle some guys I've been in awe of ever since I joined the site. Manchester will forever have a special place because of this :)

And have made some new wrestling mates as well as good friends.

Trouble is in meeting so many new opponents and taking on new challenges, the opportunity to reconnect with past opponents hasn't been that great. I do like rematching, because in the first match whilst it's exciting and novelty, with a repeat opponent you can go deeper, go harder and push those limits of what you can and can't take and get much rougher. It's that balance thing.

Of course there's been rejections. That's fine. I had a friend moan a while back about a guy wanting to meet only a certain body type. It's someone's preference and if they don't want to wrestle you - then fine :)

That's not to say rejection doesn't sting.

I've been blanked at a meet whilst a wrestler introduced himself to the thinner guys either side of me. Think I might have been wearing Harry Potter's Invisibility cloak then. It stung, but only temporarily and I was proud of myself for being as philosophical about it in person as I claim to be on here. I appreciated my matches with those who did want to wrestle with me even more :)

So yeah, I've been racking up the opponents but not necessarily the wins. I'm going to claim the calibre of my opponents for this, but that's probably not true. The block I had about winning when I first joined is still here. I don't have the skills yet, or the technique yet to win against a lot of the people I've fought but i still lack that killer instinct.

I often hear opponents say that in matches, they look at their opponent before the fight as they are squaring up thinking how they are going to destroy them.

Couple of years in, I still don't think like that. I'm working on it though, and Thug Jon is here but he is like the worst tag team partner, rarely taps in and is often missing in action. I'm giving him a talking to next year. People keep telling me that I'm not a jobber so I should prove them right :)

The worst low was writing off the whole summer of wrestling due to a stress fracture in me foot (non wrestling related) Am still impressed I hobbled down to Walthamstow, got into the ring and fought a great guy with what I thought was just a sore foot at the time. I am a Sparta! :)

The best thing about this year?
The last John Cotterill Manchester meet.

Not saying any of my other matches or meets were less enjoyable but for me, it was a private personal triumph.

I have good days, and the occasional bad days when Winston Churchill's Black Dogs are barking. When I just want to stay in bed with the curtains drawn and not talk or do anything with anyone. Just wait till i can go to sleep and the whole horrible day is over.

That day they were barking loudly, but I promised to be there, so I was going to get there no matter what.

My energy levels were low, I was a bit quiet and less chatty than I normally was. My self confidence was low so didn't challenge or in some cases approach those I really wanted to challenge.

But I had an awesome day.
I kicked those dog's butts, even if I didn't my opponents. Yes, wrestling and wrestlers are great, being in the company of people with a shared interest is great.

Feeling connected and part of something is how this site has made me feel this year. Hope it continues in the next.

Have a good whatever celebration you are having. Have a great end of the year, and an awesome 2017. Hope to wrestle some of you next year!