hephaestion2014's blog

So the idea was floated. I agreed and then came the hassle of comparing diaries and calendars. Admittedly heat did stop play on one day. I don't do especially well in the heat. I'm built for Nordic countries, seeing off viking jobber hoards whilst shirtless in the snow. And I'll still be complaining about the heat.

But finally a time was agreed upon and sorted. It's a strange feeling I get in my stomach when a match is arranged. At first it's just a distant event that I need to get ready for but as it gets closer it intensifies. Remember at school when you'd get that challenge to fight after school. "Playing fields at half three" and how that would sit with you all day. I guess how you felt probably says a bit about your character. I'm guessing a lot of you are confident enough in your fighting skills to be excited about such a challenge. Others would be more scared. I sat in between. Not scared. More nervous. Let me do not that badly. Let me at least get a few good hits in. Let me not be too embarrassed. Or injured. Especially this beautiful face lol

That feeling had been sitting in my gut all day before this fight. I was also nervous/excited because I didn't know what I was facing. Now I know when I meet anyone from here that they are strangers too.

But there are a lot of cues you can take from the profile even just from the photo of the body type, the recommendations and even the profile itself. Oh. A jobber who fights back? A heel who likes chokeholds? Etc etc.

So now im sat on the bus going to my mates house trying to imagine all possibilities. And I'm looking around the bus.

If you go to the group meets in this country, I'm thinking of both the High Barnet and Pippa ones, you'll often be meeting new people there. Strangers. I'm not saying both locations are that out of the way, but I often play a game with myself when I'm sat on the tube or tram ... can you spot another wrestler?

The Northern Line tube tends to empty round Highgate so it gets easier. Sometimes. The same with Holt Town, if they are getting off there and carrying a sports bag ... maybe just maybe.

So it crosses my mind, maybe the guy is on the bus? Looking around I try to work out if there is anyone on that I wouldn't want to lock up with. There is a bodybuilder type at the back sweating in a muscle tee and tapout shorts manspreading on the back seat. I'm not a huge fan of the over muscled type so he'd be the worst option but I still wouldn't say no to a match. My eye passes over a few other guys on the bus. There was a guy getting on a stop after me who had a similar if not better build then me. Let's say dadbod prime . Bit younger than me but very nice square shoulders. That would be a good match. My mind wanders till I see the church which means I need to get off. (Trivia note- the church used in the tv series Keeping Up Appearances, people!)

So off I get. Bodybuilder gets off. Square shoulders gets off too. It's a busy bus stop. It means nothing.
I then walk towards my mates.

I get there. No square shoulders behind me. No bodybuilder too.

I'm greeted by my mate who tells me that my opponent is here already and getting ready in the other room. So do I want to meet him now or get changed in the bathroom and see him for the first time on the mats? I choose the later. In for a penny in for a pound. Turns out I do like surprises.

So square cuts on. Let's go meet my opponent.

I see immediately why my friend chose this guy for me. Same height. Probably a little heavierr and a bit more toned. What I would look like if I could wrestle everyday rather than be depressed by the boredom of the gym and avoiding it. We shake hands. Not even sure that we've exchanged names at this point.

My mate says, "And wrestle? Ding ding!"

So off we go. And it was great.

We are learning about each other as we are wrestling. Both of us cautious at first. Not sure how hard to go on the other. I don't want to break him and vice versa. There's a smile when I gently apply an armlock which broadens as I apply more and more force to it. One point he headbutts my gut to try to break a hold. He apologies as he's not sure if he's crossed a line. I said it's okay and we both relax a bit more and get a lot rougher. Its a great match. I don't feel as free as I thought I would. I can't escape who I am and turn into a really rough yob, but being freed from expectations and assumptions means I can see a new part of myself on the mats.

It was a great match. We're going to have a rematch again. Think my mate enjoyed watching the two of us fight as well. If only because he says he learnt what not to do when watching us lol

I'm glad I said yes.

So my friend came up with an offer that was unusual. It started with a question on whatsapp.

"So on meetfighters, you use recommendations and past opponents to find matches? "

"Yep, " I replied, "it's for me the best feature of the site. It's why I used it and why I've stayed. "

"Doesn't it take some of the fun out of it though?"

"Well if by fun you mean safe? No. Not at all."

"Well it takes the mystery out of it. You can research your opponent. Check out what he likes, what other people have said about them. Their strengths and weaknesses. Isn't the best thing about fighting working out your opponent as you are fighting them? "

Now he's misunderstood something. I'm aware that recommendations aren't always gospel. I'm not saying anyone is lying - But it's one person's review of another person at one period of time.

Even if you message one of your past opponents about a future opponent, it's always worth remembering that whether they had a good time or bad time could be for a huge number of reasons, some of which may not happen in your match.

Someone may have found one guy a total arrogant arsehole whereas I might have found I enjoyed their sense of humour. One guy who may have been great company of that mat to them may have ended up struggling with me to find any common ground to chat. The "total jobber" that you wrestled may have been in a slightly more "heel" mood with me.

Sometimes good people have bad days and vice versa.

I've not been often put wrong. I'll often read recommendations then message just to get the vague details. Did they turn up? Did they stop when you said stop? Could you see the two of us having a good match?

The last question is more subjective but more intriguing in the answer. Most times it's been yes, of course. Occasionally I'll get- No, he's a great guy but I don't think you'd enjoy it. Usually means that they are a bit more scrappy. Or a higher skill level.

Of course I take all advice on advisement.

Sometimes you have to be aware that people have beef, feuds and clashing egos. Sometimes people can be gossipy and malicious. (I found that out when listening at a group meet where one guy was talking about a previous opponent - and kinda put me off. Till someone later pointed out that there was some other history there going on and I should judge for myself.)

I kinda messaged all this to my mate. But in a briefer way.

And then of course at a group meet you may meet people who are complete strangers to you then you are wrestling them blind. Judging as you go exactly how rough they want you to be etc.

My mate then had an interesting suggestion.

"How about I set you up on a blind fight? There's a guy I know who I think you'd have a good match. So I'll set it up. You just turn up, he'll turn up. Neither knowing the other. And fight. "

Knowing that I'm a bit cautious and nervous about matches at times.

"I'll ref. You trust me, right? Up for it?"

I've not whatsapped him back yet. I do trust him as much as anyone. Certainly I see no reason for him to wish me harm. I've known him longer than I've been on this site.

When I first joined here, I was going to always say yes to anything new. Anything that I even vaguely fancied doing. I do fancy doing this.

I know what my answer will probably be 😉

Let me start this with an admission I rarely make. I was wrong. Yes, I was wrong about something. I know. Shocking isn't it? I've got through these 39years batting an average of 98% of being right about everything. Even when I'm wrong.

In philosophy, there's the concept of the mind/body split. Or the intriguing idea that your soul is floating inside or just outside this meat bag casing that the brain controls.

I'm someone who you can spend any time with and realise that I'm not comfortable in my body. There's reasons for this. I blame the dyspraxia 😁 but if you were to ask me if I was mind or body, I'd point at the brain and say that's where I live. In fact I enjoy wrestling because it shoves me out of my head into my body. Less philosophical more physiological.

I've got a friend in this little podunk town that I don't call home who is the reverse. I'm not saying he's brainless. I sometimes wrestle him and he might read this. So I'm definitely not calling you brainless. But he's more into his body. He likes testing it's limits. Pushing it to its extremes. Seeing how many veins that there are exactly in his forearms. And pretty certain last time I looked it was an 8 pack not a 6 pack. Give him a fence or wall, he's working how to scale it. I'm stood there wondering what's behind it, and where's the door. He's over it by the time I've made any decision.

He's my friend. I like him. But sometimes I vaguely hate him in that green eyed envious way. He doesn't have to think when wrestling. His body moves exactly as he wants it too. So naturally and fluidly. Plus he can rub his head and pat his stomach at the same time.

We've not long had a match. Well I say a match. It was mainly me trying not to look to weak or him have it too easy. We were having the usual chat as we were rolling around. Distinctly remember as he was headlocking me that he was saying he couldn't understand how I can enjoy Handmaids Tale but think Marvel Infinty War far fetched. I would have answered him but oxygen was kinda at a premium. Then he said something else, "By the way, you are limping again."

Yes.

T is for Tendonitis.

I get it every so often. Top of the foot. It's fun (!) Last time was because although I'll spend every last penny on books, I'll wear comfy old shoes till the uppers and the soles look like hungry hippos in front of marbles. But I've learnt from this. I spend every day of my working week on my feet walking about so lovely gel insoles are my friends. Been taking care of these plates of meat. They earn me the pennies.

After we had finished the match, let's not dwell on scores. Or who won. It's the taking part that counts. We were talking about the limp and tendonitis. He pointed out that sometimes when we are wrestling, I get stressed. Or tense up.

"It's why you get puffed out. You tense so hard that you are not taking enough air in. You've got to relax. "

It starts us thinking. I've changed job roles in the last year or two. It means I have to interact with people more. Which for an anti-social bugger like me can be stressful. If you work in retail or any service industry, you'll understand just how awful people are to every man, woman and child of them

When I'm walking around having to be forced
to interact, instead of stopping breathing or displaying any emotion on my face besides a pretty vacant smile- I tense up my feet. I tense up my shoulders and neck.

I used this as a point to prove my point that it's about how the mind controls the body. I feel stressed and it appears in my body. He shook his head at me.

No. The point you should take from it is that there is no split. It's not healthy mind healthy body or vice versa.

The Body is marvellous because it's both. There's no split at all.

He's right. Admittedly as I'm limping around I'm not entirely certainly I agree that it's marvellous but I do need to keep changing how I think about it.

Ramble over. I'm limping off now. 😁

3AM. Can't sleep.

My eyes were just about to shut and my head was sinking into the pillow when I suddenly remembered last year when wrestling a straight guy I put my hand on his arse to push myself up.

I hope he didn't read anything into it.

Oh god. Will he be tagging himself as #metoo
It wasn't a sexual thing. I just wanted to push myself up. If he wasn't straight I'd think nothing about it.

But... maybe I should send him a message about. Or raise it with him in person.
Maybe I should write a blog about it.
Maybe I should do nothing about it.
It's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done...

Oh really ? Don't you remember the time when you-

And so it goes on.

I'm an overthinker. I live in my head a lot. Running and re-running any conversation I've ever had.
I'm fairly social awkward. I make gaffes. There's a lot to remember

If Im attracted to someone and am in their company for the first time, I'm a mess.
I clam up. I try to act natural.
Which is never natural.

I'm not your natural wrestler too.
Im not naturally aggressive.
Well unless you are Jacob Rees-Mogg or Donald Trump- and then I'd give you a verbal battering.

But I've never gone looking for fights. Even when being confrontational, I'm uneasy at the threat of violence erupting. Well uneasy and a faint trace of excitement. But that's the adrenaline.

I've been thinking about wrestling a lot recently. I've had people trying to coax out my more aggressive side. Be it unleashing my inner thug or raising up my fists and letting them fly free.
I've not found it easy in those roles.
I don't mind inhabiting those roles for a bit- but that's not me. That's not why I wrestle, i think.

I heard on the radio some song and it has the lyric "I find peace in your violence" and that resonated.

I like wrestling because I have to escape my brain and live in my body. We all know that moment when you are wrestling and the whole world just fades away. That's what I like. I'm not thinking about Putin's replacement, Hawksmoor churches, or why metaphysical poets leave me cold.
Just got to focus on stopping you choking me out or bending that limb at that angle.

I know wrestling is an intellectual sport where you do need tactics and can't rely on instincts. But that's not the level I'm wrestling at, or want to.

This is for fun. I'm not that competitive. It's why I like resisting not attacking. The decisions have been made. I have to react not analyse. And that's why I'll never be a top drawer wrestler.

I don't want the control. I just want to stop you having it completely and maybe claw some back.
Maybe. I'll think on it.

Now let's get back to 4am where I am thinking about when I tried to play it cool with a guy I wanted to wrestle and never did as was playing it too cool. Maybe I should send them a message or write a blog about it. That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.

Well except for that time in 1997 when I...

So, at long last, I have got a Saturday off from work - and it coincides with a wrestling meet. What are the chances? It's extremely good luck.

So why are there these butterflies in my stomach? I'm not a group meet virgin. I've been to many before now and enjoyed myself. Always had a great time.

This has been a quiet year for me wrestling wise, but busy in other areas.
You know when sometimes in a match, you've got your opponent pinned to the mat, you're in charge, you're on top and unbeatable ... and then suddenly you've not been watching your arm positioning and you're being flipped over and fighting off the need to tap. No? Just me?

Well, that's kinda what my brain did to me this year. I had my attention so focused on other people and their health, I wasn't watching my own. And the black dog struck.

The funny thing is that not many people noticed at first. I'm good at hiding certain things. I'll happily deflect, obfuscate, joke and try to fake normality till the cows come home. If I'm clowning around and making you smile and laugh, then there's nothing wrong with me, right?

I'm really lucky that I have a fair few people I can reach out to, some who know well enough to call me out when they think I'm hiding when I'm struggling - and people who are just immense company that I can momentarily just enjoy forgetting about myself and live in that moment.

By the way, I'm not saying it's all been doom and gloom. Wearing black and crying at sunsets. That nothing has made me feel happy. I've had some great times with great people. But there has been a lot of dragging myself through the day, feeling so exhausted by every human interaction and consumed by my own thoughts that I've spent most of my free time lying in bed with the curtains drawn napping till it's time to go to bed. Being too tired to go to sleep but too shattered to have the energy to do anything else. Numbness.

If it hadnt been for my job and the routine and necessity of work, I'd never have got out from under the duvet. Sleep is the great retreat from the world. The gym which I've never enjoyed had become an impossible place to trek to, and would have been torture if I had. Even though I know it'd have helped me.

I've suspended my membership, avoided going to meets, dodged challenges, retreated from people and debated a lot about just deleting entirely. At first because i was busy with other people, but then it changed. Again, like the gym, attending meets and membership of this site has helped me a lot in the past. And being more of a part of it would've helped.

"But you don't belong here, you're not really a part of the site. People are just being polite. It's just pity and you were incredibly arrogant to think otherwise. Boring fat twunt. There's no laughing with you, only at you. Go on. Quit. No one will notice. Hephwho? Ego mate. Can't believe you thought otherwise."

Now I'm not compliment seeking or wanting validation. (I don't trust compliments anyway and only hear what isnt being said.) I'm aware that that's not the truth. Well not the full truth. It's just the place where my brain has been at, and struggling to come forwards from. Thats the negative thinking that has encompassed every area of my life.

And that's probably why I'm feeling nervous as a newbie about this upcoming meet. Plus, I look in the mirror and see the toll of all those days in bed and not going to the gym has took. I will correct that. Changing the body isn't necessarily easy, but it's not an insurmountable problem. Stamina and energy need boosting.

Plus I have really missed the regular wrestling. Yeah, I'm doomed to always come second in a match, but fuck it. Fuck it! Wrestling is fun. I've missed this site, and a lot of the people on it. I've some reconnecting and apologising for my absence to do to some.

There's a double edge to this blog. I've got my thoughts out. Kinda explained myself. Mainly to myself. I'm aware it shows my weakness and maybe some people may be put off or avoid me because I'm weak, or worried I might break down, burst into tears and start quoting Sylvia Plath.

I don't do public displays of emotion anyway. So you're safe there. I never shatter in front of an audience ;)

Also, i kinda wanted to get it all out in one go, so I don't have to keep talking about it. Explaining myself. It's out there. That's where I was at - and done. Off I move onto happier things. No need to worry, I'm genuinely fine now.

I'm feeling more robust.
Thanks to everyone on here who helped me and may not even know it.
That "Hey" helped.

And after I kick arse on the mat and the ring, I'll feel even better.

Next blog will be about victories not defeats.