hephaestion2014's blog

I'm writing this as more to get how I feel out. It's probably a bit raw and a bit contradictory - and let's face it - self indulgent. But it's not the kind of things I can write or say to my friends or facebook.

So early hours of the morning, I'm watching the blue lights of the ambulance go into the distance. It's taking my dad away. He appears now to be stable but at the time ... we've been down this road with his health before and here we are again. I'm so worried, concerned and upset. But there's a different emotion there this time: guilt.

My greatest fear whenever I'm wrestling isn't that my body will turned up dumped in a wood somewhere. That used to be a legitimate fear. Now it's the missed calls, the voicemails and the texts that I've not seen because I've been too busy wrestling to notice them. I was at a great group meet on Sunday, but found myself having to go and check my phone to make sure I hadn't missed any messages. I hadn't - but I have missed things. I kinda feel instead of spending that Sunday away, I should've been home. I should've really. Maybe.

It's what made me decide to cut down on my wrestling. I am missing things. I'm worried if something happens I'm miles away - at least on average about a two hour train ride. Crippling guilt.

If I lived in London or Manchester - not so bad. Grab a match after work, and home like it's a school night. But I'm not doing that. I'm all over the place, having to overnight and the like. I dunno - at this precise moment that feels selfish of me. I dunno.

I know a fair few others on here have the responsibility towards others - be it elderly parents, ill partners, kids, and family. I have heard them say things about the juggle and the balance. The guilt too. I understand that now.

As I'm writing this, I'll be making my mum a cup of tea and try to persuade her to shut her eyes for a moment or two. She's been up longer than me. My turn to take the strain. She was doing that Sunday whilst I was out wrestling.

So that's my blog. It's not upbeat, funny or witty. They never are ;)

But its how I feel at the moment. I'm not sure I'm a good person. At this time I'm on a wrestling site blogging and sending reflexive trash talk messages in between.

There's a part of me that thinks I shouldn't cut down or cutback but cut out wrestling completely. But that's just how I'm feeling now and I have responsibilities to my opponents too. So I'm sticking around but I'm going to be quieter. Adjusting.

I'm not sure what road those blue lights were lighting up for me, my dad and mum just yet, and not sure where it is taking me.

Thanks for reading. I'll no doubt delete when I realise how non wrestling this is. Just had to vent.