hephaestion2014's blog

3AM. Can't sleep.

My eyes were just about to shut and my head was sinking into the pillow when I suddenly remembered last year when wrestling a straight guy I put my hand on his arse to push myself up.

I hope he didn't read anything into it.

Oh god. Will he be tagging himself as #metoo
It wasn't a sexual thing. I just wanted to push myself up. If he wasn't straight I'd think nothing about it.

But... maybe I should send him a message about. Or raise it with him in person.
Maybe I should write a blog about it.
Maybe I should do nothing about it.
It's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done...

Oh really ? Don't you remember the time when you-

And so it goes on.

I'm an overthinker. I live in my head a lot. Running and re-running any conversation I've ever had.
I'm fairly social awkward. I make gaffes. There's a lot to remember

If Im attracted to someone and am in their company for the first time, I'm a mess.
I clam up. I try to act natural.
Which is never natural.

I'm not your natural wrestler too.
Im not naturally aggressive.
Well unless you are Jacob Rees-Mogg or Donald Trump- and then I'd give you a verbal battering.

But I've never gone looking for fights. Even when being confrontational, I'm uneasy at the threat of violence erupting. Well uneasy and a faint trace of excitement. But that's the adrenaline.

I've been thinking about wrestling a lot recently. I've had people trying to coax out my more aggressive side. Be it unleashing my inner thug or raising up my fists and letting them fly free.
I've not found it easy in those roles.
I don't mind inhabiting those roles for a bit- but that's not me. That's not why I wrestle, i think.

I heard on the radio some song and it has the lyric "I find peace in your violence" and that resonated.

I like wrestling because I have to escape my brain and live in my body. We all know that moment when you are wrestling and the whole world just fades away. That's what I like. I'm not thinking about Putin's replacement, Hawksmoor churches, or why metaphysical poets leave me cold.
Just got to focus on stopping you choking me out or bending that limb at that angle.

I know wrestling is an intellectual sport where you do need tactics and can't rely on instincts. But that's not the level I'm wrestling at, or want to.

This is for fun. I'm not that competitive. It's why I like resisting not attacking. The decisions have been made. I have to react not analyse. And that's why I'll never be a top drawer wrestler.

I don't want the control. I just want to stop you having it completely and maybe claw some back.
Maybe. I'll think on it.

Now let's get back to 4am where I am thinking about when I tried to play it cool with a guy I wanted to wrestle and never did as was playing it too cool. Maybe I should send them a message or write a blog about it. That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.

Well except for that time in 1997 when I...